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Private. Stay Out.

March 11, 2013 By 12 Comments

Recently my wife and I got our oldest daughter a cell phone.  I had concerns about the responsibility of her owning a cell phone but more than that I had concerns about the flow of information coming in and out of the cell phone.

Who would she be texting?  Who would be texting her?

So I have taken to checking her texts.  Sometimes it is at night when she is asleep and sometimes I pick up her phone right in front of her to look.  I don’t know if I’m looking at what she is doing more than what others might be doing?  Because I trust my daughter but if I have taken to invading her privacy, does that put my trust I have with her in question?

Today, when so much of our lives are available for the world to see posted all over the Internet on your choice of social networks to choose from, privacy is more important than ever.  So it begs the question:

How much of your kids’ privacy to you allow them to keep?  All of it, some of it, none of it?

Do we have a responsibility to keep tabs on our kids?  With cyber-bullying, sexting, and the next potential Anthony Wiener trolling the Internets, do we owe it to ourselves (and our kids) to ignore their privacy for the sake of their safety?

And is there a conflict if we “trust” our kids but can’t keep our eyes off of their phones, Facebook pages, emails, etc.?

Comment on your view(s) below and be sure to join us on Wednesday at 9PM EST/6PM PST for #DadsRT chat to discuss the topic live on Twitter using the #DadsRT hashtag.

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About jetts31

Husband, father to two girls, dog walker, living with male pattern baldness. In addition to writing on his own site, Jimmy contributes to DadsRT, COAL.com, and the Southern Berks News. He is the world record holder in his house for 'Best Hiding Spot' during Hide and Go Seek.

  • http://Daddysincharge.com John

    My son has an iPod that he has recently started to text and FaceTime with. At this point it’s been all cute, but I do monitor who he is talking to (so far based in text conversations that I’ve seen I wonder why anyone would text with him) the kids need to know the dangers of their new found freedom but also know that we want to give them their space. With new responsibility also comes new safeguards. Just like if the kids left the house to see a friend you would want to know where they are going, I don’t think it’s too much to ask who they are talking to. Besides we might just learn who their friends are for a change.

    • http://www.foundingafather.com jetts31

      I think that’s where I fall on this too John. Its not so much a matter of distrust as it is just keeping an eye on my kids.

  • Jared T

    My oldest is still a little too young for this to be a worry, but when the time comes, as long as he is not an adult and still my child, anything is potentially up for grabs. I will respect their sense of privacy, but my kids’ safety and security is bound to my wife and me, so you better believe I will be “in the know.” Blatant surveillance may not be a good thing. A kid needs to feel somewhat independent, but you have to be able to have access. Keeping tabs is absolutely a responsibility. I’d rather they catch on to an intrusion that saves their life rather than ignore and be sorry forever. I think since email/text, etc. has become such a 3rd arm of society, some think all the same ground rules apply to our children. Not in our house.

    • http://www.foundingafather.com jetts31

      Its a fine line and one I’m finding out how to walk right now. You’re right that they need to feel like they have some privacy but at the same time, their safety and security is my number one priority so if it comes down to that, then I use the adage, “My house my rules”

  • http://www.readbradthedad.com Brad the Dad

    “I’d rather they catch on to an intrusion that saves their life rather than ignore and be sorry forever.”

    That kind of nails it for me, Jared. But obviously it’s not as cut and dry as we’d all like. Knowing myself, and knowing that my sons will most likely have some of my characteristics, I know that the more something is taboo, the more I’m interested. My challenge will be balancing this access to their digital lives with them wondering WHY I’m so concerned. If I’m poking around, which I will be, yet everything is on the up and up, I assume they will begin to wonder about what isn’t on the up and up and potentially go looking for it.

    This is nothing that will stop me, but I have to be conscious of not adding fuel to the fire.

    • http://www.foundingafather.com jetts31

      Balance. I think we all try to maintain balance between hovering too closely to our kids and giving them space. Making them eat their vegatables but letting them indulge. Or keeping tabs on what they are doing in the digital world.
      Now, I just have to find that balance.

  • Helmut

    Kids need to understand that until they are legal adults (whatever age that is where you are) they aren’t even allowed to own or operate devices or software without your explicit permission. Sure, they’ll see it as a trust issue but the real issue is that they are not adults and even though they may think they are “old enough” they just aren’t. It is our responsibility to monitor these devices and their online lives for their safety the same way we would with anything else.

  • Brandon P. Duncan

    Ugh. Great topic.

    I’m afraid I have been through this one way too many times. My oldest is twenty and has had a phone since her early teens. What starts out innocent and 99% harmless turns south quickly. We explained, taught, re-explained, warned, grounded… none of it seemed to work. We had some rough patches.

    Now that our youngest is starting to “earn” some freedom (and also abusing it) we’ve run into similar situations. I imagine it will only get worse.

    Now, the bigger problem, from my experience, isn’t whether or not you have to worry about privacy, it’s monitoring them and heading off potential issues when they learn to delete texts, etc. You end up having to monitor phone bills, randomly check phones… it REALLY starts feeling like you are constantly trying to catch them and they simply seem to take offense.

    Tough one, this topic. (Or I just have badassed little kids. LOL.)

  • http://wannabestayathomedad.blogspot.com/ WannabeSAHDad

    It really depends on the child. While my almost twelve year old daughter chats and emails occasionally, she has no desire for a phone. She has a small circle of friends and that’s is enough for her. She is very much content without the need to interact socially a great deal. She surfs quite a bit on youtube to further her interests (like gymnastics) and I do check on the browser’s history and pop in randomly when she’s on the computer or iPad. She knows that until she breaks my trust, she’s got some well-earned freedom.

    My 8.5 year old son is a bit more mischievous but thankfully not much at all. He surfs youtube for airplane and Ninjago vids and plays Flight Simulator. All devices are used in the open in our house so nothing is done behind closed doors. So, while I am not naive that kids will be kids, I have trust with my kids’ online habits at this time. But, it certainly won’t stop me from checking!

  • http://www.jgs.net Jeremy Schneider

    I think another thing to consider is the more we help our kids understand about texting, about revealing too much about themselves, about surfing the internet and being careful about what they see and click on, the more a part of their sense of self it will become. Also, we have tried hard to establish pretty clear boundaries about when, and with whom it is okay to be using a device (and try very hard to follow it ourselves) because the clearer those boundaries are now, the easier it will be to enforce them as they get older. Trying to reign in a teenager is like closing the barn door after the horses have escaped.

  • http://www.theperpetualshave.wordpress.com Matthew

    Such a tricky question. Right now, I am thankful that my kids are young enough that I have don’t have to worry about this. Yet.

    As for my family, I think that we will have to present the idea of cell phones (and Facebook) with very clear boundaries from the moment they are allowed (probably no time before age 16 in our house.) We will probably say that we have the right to confiscate and monitor, and if that is not OK, then the kids can choose to not have the devices. As parents of young kids, we reserve the right to know what they are doing and who they are doing it with. No parent would willingly allow their child to date a person they have never met and never see. The same applies for cell phones and Facebook, I think. The kids have a right to a form of technological social extension, but it doesn’t take away a parents right to know the who/what/where/when and why of any of it.

    I don’t think…

    What a world we live in, eh?

  • James Hudyma

    I think there is a misconception that children naturally understand social interaction but if that were so they’d be born with manners and etiquette. We teach and guide our children throughout their youth as to what is socially acceptable, how to deal with strong emotions, how to be kind, how to apologize. Why would it be any different for online or wifi socialization? I believe we must be involved guiding them with online or wifi social interactions the same way we are with real-life interactions.

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