My parents always used to drop this line on me:
I was young once, too.
We were all young once. Some of our closets have fewer skeletons than others, but if you look hard enough you’ll always find a few bones or in some cases, a boneyard.
When we leave our wild days behind they slowly become a distant memory. Then we become parents and those days seem like they were lived in a past life. But it wasn’t a past life. It was your life.
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What happens when that old friend drops by and your kid overhears you reminiscing about the good old days?
How do you explain those photos your friends posted as a prank of Facebook?
What are you going to do when you drop that line about being young once and your kid asks you to elaborate?
If you’ve already been through this, how did you handle it?
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About James Hudyma
I think it’s important to be as honest as possible with our children. I will not go out of my way to discuss my past with my children, however if they ask I will tell. I will let them know how the decisions played out and how it affected my life. I am a new dad so we will see if my mind changes when the day comes.
I think this topic also asks us to think about WHEN to be honest with our kids. Kids have a way of asking questions before they can understand the answer. So what do we divulge to them before 10, and what do we divulge when they are in HS, and do we tell them the full truth then or in High School?
I feel the same, where if they ask i will answer with honesty, but my honesty will become more and more transparent as they get older and older and closer to making those same decisions.
I agree that the age should definitely guide the conversation.
I think it is pretty easy to say you’re going to be honest until the time comes when you’re kid is asking you about drugs and you know that if you say you did he’ll just respond by saying, “Well you did them and you turned out fine.”
We hope our kids will learn from our mistakes but they also look to us as an example. Sure we’d like to set an example of honesty but we lie about Santa so what is the harm in withholding some truth until they are finished college or like, never.
Then it may have to be more than just telling your kids that you did something, but the reasons why you did it, and lessons learned… If any. If they find out from someone else that you did something you’ve kept from them, they will lose trust in you.
I think you can be honest without having to tell it all.
I think the “when” is one of the most important parts of this equation. I started getting stories from my parents when I was in my 20s and I honestly don’t think I would have had the perspective in my teens to fully understand/digest the information. I’m not talking crazy stuff either with my parents, just adult stuff. As as teen I remember thinking I knew everything and would generally disagree with things I didn’t understand (or wanted to understand).
With my 20s came bills and responsibilities and perspective. That’s about the age I think these discussions are appropriate.
But the long and short of this is that these discussions will eventually come up and it’s important to be prepared for them. Especially now, as said in the post, with Facebook, camera phones, etc… There are definitely pictures of me in less than stellar condition at friends’ weddings kicking around in cyber land that I will eventually have to answer for.
Trying to share my experiences and perspective is going to be a nightmare. I convince myself that with my past, no kid can pull anything over on me. I certainly can’t be the parent who says you can’t do anything dangerous, thoughtless or inappropriate. I hope that through the example of my own life and priorities, the experiences speak for themselves.
That being said, we’re already reaching questions and though I’ve done a decent job of fielding them so far, there’s certainly more depth in store for us. For now, cigarette smoking is dirty and killed my grandparents. But later, how do you explain we adults have given it a go anyway? And the drinking and weed topics are going to be a doozy. Oh, and partying and sex?! Gah! Can’t wait.