How Many Is Enough?

My oldest son (now 20) has a joke. The more kids we have the more mom wants and the less dad wants. The reason this is funny is because there  is a lot of truth to this.

I’m 45 years old. I don’t have the energy I did just a couple of years ago. I’m constantly tired, and not just that “parent of a young child” kind of tired. My body doesn’t work the way it used to. I sprained my ankle back in January and it still hasn’t healed completely. Middle age is kicking my ass.  I love all my kids. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Well, a lifetime supply of chocolate. But only for one, and I get to choose. Point is, I have 5 kids and while I don’t regret having any of them, I don’t want to have any more.

My wife, however, does.

She is 41. Her last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. It was not her first. One of the things she regrets is that her reproductive “career” would end on a bad note. And she does want more kids.  So we come to an impasse. And here is where we veer into “too much information” territory.

You’ve been warned.

Having sex has now become an issue. I want to use a condom or get a vasectomy. Actually, I was supposed to get one a few years ago, but my wife changed her mind about it. No, I’m not going to sneak out and get one without telling her.

She’s been keeping track of her fertility cycle, and while she has not been trying to get pregnant, keeping track of “safe” times, I feel that using extra precautions would be good.

If my wife were to become pregnant and have another child, I would not resent the child, but instead be happy for the love and joy that would enter our house. But, I can feel that I would not be able to be the father I want to be, and I don’t want to begin to even remotely resent my wife for another child.

Our solution? We don’t have sex anymore.

No, I’m not joking. I wish I was.

Did your ideal family size change as you began to have kids? How do you know when you’re done having kids? How have you and your wife handled this discussion? What have you done if your wife moved the goalposts in the middle of the game (to use a sports metaphor)? How have you resolved it if you both have different ideals?

Discuss below in the comments, and join us this Wednesday on Twitter as we have a Live Chat about this topic at 6pst/9est using the #DadsRT hashtag.

The Beginning
About LeftCoastDad

A dad with more kids than is legal in 7 of Canada's 13 territories and provinces

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Comments

  1. Brandon P. Duncan says:

    Wow. Hell of a topic!

    I’m afraid I am on the fence here. I’m pushing 37, and I do not want anymore kids either, but Neither does my wife, we’re good on that. However, I think I would have to side with her in your current position if that is truly what she wanted. Especially if it started affecting normal, healthy aspects of your relationship.

    Obviously you have thought about this a lot, but what would you answer if I asked you how long you think or intend on “holding out”? Until impotence? Some other age-related issue? We’re all adults here, sex is a byproduct and important part of intimacy and loving relationships. Are you really willing to give that up until you are guaranteed not to be able to reproduce? You’ve easily got 20 years before that could come to fruition (no pun intended.)

    Kids do not get harder in numbers, they actually become easier (my opinion) and you’ve already raised several. You’ve got all the tricks down. This should be a piece of cake.

    • Left Coast Dad says:

      Risk another miscarriage? She’s had a few over the years. Her last pregnancy ended that way. Risk being spread too thin as parents? I’m 45, she’s 41. I’m barely able to keep up with the kids I already have. And the cost. I was supposed to get a vasectomy 5 years ago, but she changed her mind. Then again a couple of years ago, and she changed her mind again. We need to talk about this, but there’s never a “good time” to do it – she just never wants to discuss the issue.

      • Brandon P. Duncan says:

        Is this you or her talking? I get medical issue, my family as well as my wife’s are riddled with medical issues, but ultimately, it’s her body and decision to decide if she wants to go through with trying again.

        Not to sound crass by any means, but it’s obviously important to her, so maybe the “not wanting to discuss it” isn’t as much about the topic as it is the way its handled while being discussed? Just a thought. I could be clearly wrong. (It happens… lol)

        • Left Coast Dad says:

          Thing is, she’s had as many miscarriages as births. And it doesn’t just affect her, it does affect me, and the other kids.

          • Brandon P. Duncan says:

            Completely understandable. Sounds like your heart is in the right place. Work on the communication then. Make sure it doesn’t stay a barrier.

  2. My wife and I always wanted three kids. Then our second came along and was to say the least a little more difficult yo deal with. A healthy bundle if joy, it’s just a lot if work compared to our first. I almost think if our kids were reversed we would have four. My wife is done reproducing (physically able to just not wanting to) but I would live to have more kids. I know I am going to be an old man and look back on the time when I wished we expanded our family, but alas… We move on.

  3. AskAGreatDad says:

    It’s easy for me to say oh I have two and I’m done because they are both so young. I feel that one boy & one girl is enough for me, but I know my wife would love another girl. All I do know is that we are not having another anytime soon. I am not ready for that discussion just yet, but I think once the big 40 hits it may be time to retire from the baby making scene for me

  4. We have three boys (2, 6 and 9). I joke all of the time the reason we have three is because we don’t want four. In all seriousness, all three kids were planned but we wouldn’t have had three if number 2 was a girl. I know that sounds wrong but it’s true. Both my wife and I agree that three is enough because (get ready for this offensive statement) it’s expensive to raise kids and we can’t afford another one.

    We love all three boys equally and they are my life, I wouldn’t change them for the world.

  5. happiestdaddy says:

    Terrific post and thank you for your honesty. It’s a topic that many of us deal with and ponder on a regular basis.
    I had children late and am now 40 with a 2 year old and a baby. I’m good on the kid front. My wife, however, is several years younger than me and is considering having another. Yet I don’t think her convictions are overwhelming.
    Since our kids were born, my life has revolved around them — caring, teaching, loving them and spending nearly all my free time with them. My joy is abundant and overpowering so I know I have the capacity to love another child. And I still haven’t scheduled my vasectomy.
    However, I feel that 2 is a good number and the perfect amount for us to handle emotionally, physically and financially.

    • Left Coast Dad says:

      Talk with her. I had my (so far?) last kid after the age of 40. It’s been tough, but he’s a great kid, we love him, and he brings joy to our hearts. Don’t get that vasectomy unless she gives the okay, that’s my advice.

  6. My wife and I always decided to have only two kids. We didn’t want to be outnumbered. We also didn’t start having kids until later in life so it’s kinda late now — and at this point, we’ve taken surgical steps so that we won’t have any more.

    We love our kids and have considered more, but if we do, they’ll be adopted.

  7. Good post, Daniel. Interesting topic. More kids? No, thanks. Two boys is good for us. Although … my wife is always talking about how her sister’s 2-year-old daughter is soooooo cute and how this other little girl (doesn’t matter who; just any little girl we come across) is JUST LIKE the daughter we might have had if we had had a daughter and maybe we still CAN have a daughter at which point I feign sleep. But no, I don’t think she really wants another one. We might get a kitten soon, though.

  8. My wife and I had planned to have 2 kids and consider adoption in the future. We have our two kids and she had seemed to be encouraging me to move towards clipping my tubes, but when I told her I was going to go do a consult that month, she put the kabash on it. I turn 32 in February, and there is a thought that we are just a little too young to put an end to the possibilities of growing our family. I am done having kids, but I think I understand that we should leave the opportunity for a happy accident to happen and turn our life upside down . I look forward to this week’s Wed Night Chat!

    GREAT TOPIC!!!

  9. My wife and I are more or less on the same page with this. We have one and want another, but are dreading all the work. But what the heck. Go for it.

    I don’t know what to say about your situation. 5 seems like an insane number of kids to me. But I’m not you. The right number of kids for me, or anyone else doesn’t have much bearing on your situation. The problem is the gap between your right number and your wife’s right number. That’s a tough position to be in…

    My observation is that if you set goals for the future based on unknowns like howe many kids you want to have and how you will feel about something a year or more from now, you set yourself up for overshooting or undershooting your mark. Better to think about how you feel now and set thresholds for future actions.

    -Mike

    -M

  10. Great topic! Okay, so it’s no secret my wife and I are done having children. We have a six-year-old boy and a four-year-old daughter and this past October we settled on the fact that we were absolutely done.
    It was a tough decision. We went back and forth, often having long periods of “baby fever.” At the end of the day, had we become pregnant before my vasectomy, we would have been excited. However, knowing that our focus and energy are on the two that we were blessed with, I no longer worry about how a third child would have changed the dynamics of our family. That’s a pretty freeing feeling to be honest.
    Can’t wait Wed. Night Chat!

  11. My wife and I were prepping for a third child but some medical issues put an end to my wife’s reproductive career. I think it is something only a family going through it can decide. If it is affecting different aspects of a marriage (like the sex) then it is best to get it out in the open and get it figured out. Of course that is easier said than done.

  12. First and foremost I want to thank you for presenting us with such an in-depth, personal and important topic for discussion. I really feel like this is what DadsRT is all about – parents helping other parents digest the family challenges we are all facing or will eventually face.

    “But, I can feel that I would not be able to be the father I want to be, and I don’t want to begin to even remotely resent my wife for another child.”

    This hit home for me, and while not the sole reason my wife and I are most likely stopping at 2, but probably the one that is hardest to discuss/admit. There was a point after having our 2nd kid (maybe when he was 1 or 1 1/2) that the scales were tipped in their favor. The sink was always full, the fridge was always jam packed with Tupperware full of leftovers from weeks past, toys were pushed to the side rather than cleaned up, sleep was at a minimum, intimacy with my wife the same, and that feeling of being content with life was but a memory.

    The worst part about all of that was at one point I realized, subconsciously, I was associating my wife with all of those challenges. Like she was the reason this was all happening because the kids came out of her. Completely ridiculous and completely unfair on my part.

    But mostly we are stopping at 2 for many of the same reasons I see in the other comments — part medical, part don’t want to be outnumbered/overwhelmed, part feeling very content/blessed that we have 2 healthy boys to begin with.

    • Brad, that quote was powerful for me as well. There was a lot of raw, vulnerable honesty in that statement. I’m a huge proponent of Dads being more trasparent which is exactly what we’re seeing with this topic.

      • WOW! What a true statement. I think that this topic is OBVIOUSLY something that we have ALL thought about. 27 comments and it’s only Monday means we should continue to talk amongst ourselves about these things so we can talk about it with our wives easier. I think that as time marches on, the resentment can grow if there is another child. I poured my heart into my kids early on knowing it was a stressful time for my wife and her physical recovery. I don’t know if I’m able to do that right now. I could literally father myself to a bad health situation.

  13. Great post. We have 2 boys, ages (almost) 6 and 1. We can’t make up our minds. We both say two is enough, but we also throw around the idea of the third. With that uncertainty, we know we’re not ready for any permanent decisions–one reason we cancelled the snip. We’re not warding off any “happy accidents” as JB puts it, so anything can happen. I think deep down we both want a third, but we just haven’t been honest enough to admit it to each other. We lead very busy lives, but we just have to bite the bullet and realize so does everyone else. I know, though, without any hesitation that we would be DONE at 3.

    I’m not worried about the financial matters of having another, but both pregnancies had their difficulties, so that’s the only thing that really concerns me. We’re both 30 now. If we make it to 35 and we haven’t had another, I think it will be time to call it quits.

    • Left Coast Dad says:

      30? jeez. that was 15 years and 4 kids ago. I was ready to take on the world at that time in my life. We had the one, and were ready for so many more. If you two are up for it, I’d say go for it.

  14. Left Coast Dad says:

    okay – done with individual responses. Too damn time consuming.

    Chad, I’m glad you and your wife agreed on a course of action. If I got a vasectomy and my wife became pregnant again, it would be a “happy accident” and while I would be worried about another miscarriage, any new child would be more than welcome.

    Jimmy, sorry about medical issues. That sucks. As far as “getting out in front” of it, I want to discuss it, and she doesn’t.

    Brad, what’s funny is that your stuff in paragraph 3 about the dishes etc. is so much not a part of our issues. neither of us have sweated that sort of thing. For me (and her) it’s school events, helping with homework, stuff like that. Sleep deprivation was an issue though, and that’s one of my concerns. As the primary stay at home parent, I don’t feel I can be the type of parent I want to be to all the kids I already have if I’m sleep deprived, let alone adding another into the mix.

  15. Interesting topic and great post. It’s a helluva question. I won’t bore you with my own story because it doesn’t really matter. What matters here is your wife wants a kid, you don’t and now you’re at an impasse. Here are my thoughts:

    There are certain things on which married people can compromise. You see a movie you don’t want to see but she does, buy a house in the suburbs when you’d rather live in the city, etc. But this is a kid we’re talking about. Whether you’re 45 or 25, the decision to have another child is one you should both be behind wholeheartedly. The fact that you’re not (and I believe you have VERY good reason not to be) shouldn’t be construed as a negative. And while your wife certainly doesn’t have to be happy about it, I think she should respect it. It’s not like your reasons are arbitrary — you’ve got 5 kids already and you’re both over 40. Not to mention the risk of another miscarriage, which can wreak havoc on emotions and a marriage when it happens multiple times.

    There’s no right or wrong here. I understand her urge to have another baby. But anyone telling you to just give in to her because it’s what she really wants is absolutely out of their mind. I think you both should continue to discuss it, and if it’s still going to be an issue maybe see a counselor or therapist. But the one thing I feel should be avoided at all costs, is half-heartedly committing to a sixth child when you don’t feel you can be the dad you need to be. That’s not being lazy or selfish, it’s taking a long hard look at yourself and your situation and making the best decision for you and your family.

    Good luck my friend.

    • You bring up a good point. This is not about being right or wrong, but being honest about how you feel and talking about them openly.

    • @DaddyFiles dropping some qualify stuff here:

      “Whether you’re 45 or 25, the decision to have another child is one you should both be behind wholeheartedly. The fact that you’re not (and I believe you have VERY good reason not to be) shouldn’t be construed as a negative. And while your wife certainly doesn’t have to be happy about it, I think she should respect it.”

      As much as we joke about the stereotypes regarding balance in marriage, i.e. “happy wife, happy life,” the truth is a decision as big as this one should be backed by both of you, as quoted above, wholeheartedly.

      This isn’t like deciding on finally getting that new kitchen or even a family dog, this is the big daddy of them all and I’m in agreement that if you both aren’t behind it 100% then the dialogue must be kept going.

    • Brandon P. Duncan says:

      Good points. I think the whole “happy wife, happy life” thing never truly existed anyway. You hear about the 50s and beyond as a time when the men were men, and the wives had their place, but when you actually stop and talk to people that were adults in that time and they can tell you quickly that it was all horseshit. There were just as many problems, people just hid them. And women have always held a great deal of power, just not always openly or publicly.

      On the flipside, where you say people that say do it to make her happy are crazy? I don’t think so. I 100% agree that having a child is not like buying a dog or a Route44 from Sonic, however, stubborn behaviors and attitudes are not gender-based. Where you think “giving in” may be crazy, maybe it’s not actually giving in at all, but listening and seeing her side of it. That part never comes out in a one-sided story.

      On an aside, I love that we have so many opinions here. This is exactly the way I hoped and imagined that conversations would happen on this site. Glad you could join us, Aaron. You should consider contributing. You’ve always been good at stirring the pot. :)

  16. I think about it sometimes and wonder when I will truly feel too old to start over. I’ll be 44 in May and though I know I don’t have the same energy I did when I was younger, there is still a boatload to spare.

    But it takes work to do this and it gets more challenging with more so I think you both need to be ont he same page with this one.

    • I think about more too sometimes, Jack, but I also think about the ones we have in college while my wife and I are sitting at a cafe somewhere in Italy toasting wine glasses at noon while we are on our 2 week ( or month long???!!!) vacation.

      Yeah, I have selfish thoughts at times. :)

  17. James Hudyma says:

    We planned to have 2 children and we had 2. I’m sure if we started our family in our 20s instead of 30s there would have been that situation where we would’ve had to talk about more. About 3 months after our 2nd I asked if I could go for my vasectomy. She asked me to wait a few more months. When I asked again 6 months later, she booked the appointment.

    • That’s funny. We could be in a similar boat, but my wife’s brother had a new baby boy making her baby-insane. Hopefully after visiting in Feb, I can get my appointment with Dr. Snip scheduled. ;-)

  18. I think I saw this on Google+ and I am the wife who, like yours, lost our last baby. I have suffered a miscarriage after each of my 3 children’s births but this one broke my heart. It was the 4th baby that I wanted so badly, the happy accident that filled me with joy. That baby had a fetal teratoma (a tumor growing out of its mouth) that was larger than the fetus and we had to end the pregnancy. It was more than a year ago and I am not nearly past it and not nearly past the desire for a 4th child. I swear I would stop there but my husband is done at 3.

    I make promises not to bring it up and then as soon as the time I promised is over I can’t help but mention it, ask about it, see if his feelings have changed. For now, our 2 year old is our hardest yet and I am okay waiting for awhile but honestly, I hope he changes his mind.

    Differences over making a baby or just making love definitely have an impact on the bedroom dynamics but we are working on it.

    It was so interesting to read all of these dad’s responses and I think this is fairly widespread. I totally agree that making a baby should be something that both parents are on board with and I know that another accident would be loved to pieces by both of us. Still, it is hard and it hangs in the air at times.

    Thank you for sharing.

    And hey dads, any tips on making a 4th child seem easier to a dad are welcome!

    • I think Left Coast Dad is right… you can’t try to make promises about the 4th or try to make it seem easier. He knows it is a commitment. I honestly don’t know what I would do in this situation. I’m sure you’ve spilled your feelings about this to him, but has he spilled his? Has he had chance to work through what he was feeling regarding losing your last? If not, he may not change his mind until he’s able to work through those feelings.

    • Thank you so much for weighing in on such a tough, and personal, topic, Brittany. We had a miscarriage with our first attempt (I was actually in Vegas at the time on a company outing — horrible feeling) and it was serious blow for both of us. But, as a male, it really drove home the point of how bad I wanted a child, whereas before that I was just kind of like “okay, this is what we do now.” But I know it was much harder on my wife. I like to think I can empathize with that bond you women have with a living person being inside you, but know deep down that I can’t truly understand.

      Making the 4th seem easier to hubs? I don’t know. The only thing I would venture a guess at is feeling pretty certain he knows how you feel, even after the time gaps of not bringing it up. Kids ARE hard and my youngest (2yo as well) IS crazy and hard and sometimes I can’t even fathom adding another one to the mix.

      As honest as I can be, if I was “pushed” into having another and it turned out to be overwhelming and everything I feared it might be, I’m not exactly sure I would handle it that well. I’d love the child, no doubt, but can’t say for sure that it wouldn’t hurt my marriage.

      Patience and understanding is all I can suggest at this point. You have to understand his view just as you want him to understand yours. Good luck and please continue to stop by. We need the moms’ perspective as much as we do the dads’.

  19. Left Coast Dad says:

    Brittany,

    I am so sorry to hear. That really hit me in the gut. It’s different (but not) when you have a miscarriage at 12 weeks versus having to terminate because of a tumor. I don’t know how I would handle that.

    As for making a 4th child seem easier? My advice is don’t. Don’t try to make it seem easier. Let it be the amount of work it is going to be. It’s tough. I have 5 and it’s CRAZY around here. But we knew that going in. And there is a lot of love. Let me emphasize that. Because we have 5 kids, there is a lot of love in the house.

  20. My husband and I have been having this other child discussion for months. We have a 3YO boy and and 18MO daughter and I am all about having another. We haven’t had any conception issues or miscarriages but a lot of my husband’s siblings have. And so it worries my husband. He feels lucky and blessed that we have the family we do and wants to leave it this way. I don’t want to stop just in case something were to go wrong. That’s not a reason for me. My husband works all the time and I stay home to raise our kids. I can understand his stress at having to provide for us and our farm. We’ve discussed vasectomy but haven’t went through with it. We are taking a wait and see approach. Mybe when our son reaches school age we will decide to have another. Or not. I hope you can take the time to discuss this thoroughly with your wife.

    • I think it’s great that fears of the possible do not deter you. We had our child screened for several birth defects, but only s we could be prepared at birth, not to decide whether or not to keep our child (which others do). There may come a time, and you sound incredibly supportive. I hope you guys keep the communication lines open on this issue.

    • I feel lucky and blessed with our 2 as well, Christina, and try to hold onto that. Times are different, money is tighter, families live further apart, work is more stressful, the world we are bringing our kids into is way crazier, etc…. all of that goes through my mind. None of those things are actually real reasons NOT to have a kid, but things to think about for sure.

      It’s a tough one, and aside from most people commenting above saying how important it is that this be a decision you both make 100%, I’m not sure there is an answer here. Feeling blessed about the kids we all currently have is definitely something, but so is growing your family.

      Tough one, thanks for weighing in and hopefully you can come to the chat tomorrow night as well!

      • Those are a lot of the same fears my husband has, Brad. We will be discussing this issue until we can reach a time and decision that works for both of us. I feel if he cuts me off on this issue I will resent him for not allowing me the family I want. And I don’t want him resenting me for pushing another child on him and our family. What time is the chat tomorrow?

  21. before we got married she wanted 4 and I wanted 2, that was the family each of us grew up with, after having 2 kids I wanted 4 and she wanted 2. It is an ongoing conversation but right now we are both happy where we are and don;t want to try for more kids.

    • Is it okay to laugh at this, James? Because that’s a riot how you both flip flopped in the opposite direction after having kids.

      “…but right now we are both happy where we are…” is a very big part of it for my wife and I as well. If I’m happy and my wife is happy and we are happy with each other, I would think that this is a recipe for raising our kids to the best of our ability. If we throw a potential wrench into that equation, can I say the same with confidence? Hard to say…

  22. I’m sorry you and your wife don’t agree on this. I can only imagine the friction it must cause. We were very fortunate. After four kids my wife and I both felt like we were done, so it was easy for us. Are either or both of you religious at all? I know many who have sought divine guidance to help them make a decision.
    Some other thoughts:
    * I believe that many women have a strong maternal instinct that we men can’t understand. It’s part of their life purpose and they feel fulfilled by rearing children. It’s kind of like the macho feeling men have (or at least that I have) of being the main provider for the family. If we aren’t the main provider then we feel like failures. Don’t know if your wife feels that way but it might be worth considering.
    * You’re youngest is two and oldest is 20? How much older is the number four child than the two year old? If there is a significant difference of four or more years then having another may provide a playmate for the two year old.
    * Have you asked the other kids what they think? I’m not sure if you should. Just curious.
    * Do the older kids help care for the younger ones? That might take some of the load off of you. I know a couple that are in their mid 40′s and have seven kids, the oldest being 20 and the youngest two are under the age of three. The older kids smother the younger ones with love and affection and will often fight each other to determine who gets to care for the girls. It makes mom and dads jobs much easier.
    * I don’t quite understand the no sex decision. Is that your decision so she doesn’t get pregnant or is it her way of “punishing” you. Either way it’s not healthy and perhaps counseling might be in order
    * Regarding your comment about not having the energy to be the dad you want to be, I get that. I’m in my mid 40′s and am feeling it. But is there any dad out there that is exactly the dad they want to be? I think most dads would admit that we all fall short in various ways. Plus, what you lack in energy, you’ll probably make up for in experience and wisdom, something your older kids didn’t have the benefit of.
    After rereading my comments it makes it sound like I’m siding with your wife. I’m not. I’m just offering what came to my mind as I read about your side of the argument.
    Regardless, good luck. I hope it works out for you.

  23. ” and I don’t want to begin to even remotely resent my wife for another child”

    Iwonder, have you considered the possibility of the reverse happening. That your wife may resent you for denying her another chance at what she lost.

    I’m afraid this miscarriage may have a much larger affect on her than you know. There are so many other factors involved with this last one (such as feeling as if she is at fault, therefore sealing her own fate in the baby making department of her marriage, and life). Have the two of you considered seeking therapy? Its possible that even though she’s been through this more than once, or even BECAUSE she’s had so many, she may not be emotionally able to deal with it properly. Guilt can do some pretty effed up ish to us.

    I wonder also, if you’ve considered being foster parents? It seems there’s so much love stll left for her to give, maybe a situation to share with children who aren’t so blessed to be born into a healthy loving family could benefit by sharing yours for a while. I’ve yet to fully research fostering (its something my hubby and I have considered for the future) but I believe foster families are given some monetary help for the care of the child.

    One last note. If my husband requested we start using condoms after how many years, that would bring a whole world of trust issues to light. I may doubt his fidelity for one, or I may think he doesn’t trust me to keep track of safe days. I may even feel he thinks I’m trying to trick him into getting me pregnant.

    You need to MAKE time to discuss these things. I believe a compromise could be made, where you follow the calendar TOGETHER, and allow her ” hope” for a happy accident. Above all else, try to at least get HER into some form of therapy, to help her work through the last miscarriage.

    Best wishes

  24. Left Coast Dad says:

    Thing is, I’m willing to talk. Any time. She isn’t. It’s frustrating.

    I’m actually much more “maternal” in many ways than my wife. I’m the one who wanted kids initially, she didn’t want to “become some vessel”

    And yes, she does feel like it’s partly her fault. That’s also part of why she wants another child, so that her “reproductive career” (so to speak) wouldn’t end on a bad note. I think (aside from everything else) this is a wrong reason to get pregnant.

    We kept track of “safe days” and that’s how she got pregnant last time.

    Our kids are 2, 5, 7 & 9. As far as having them help, they have school and whatever. Plus, they don’t get up in the middle of the night to change diapers, feed, walk a crying baby, etc. It’s not about playmates, it’s about my ability to be a parent, and her ability to carry the pregnancy to term.

    Corey, you’re in your 40s, but how many kids do you have? How old are they? How old will they and you be if you had another child? My point is I’m seeing my limits as a father and don’t want to get stretched even thinner.

    Amanda, we’ve considered being foster parents. The troubles we had with our oldest sort of took us out of that realm. We dealt with foster families a little, but that’s a completely different story. I don’t want to sour you on it though. It’s just not something we can really do.

    Therapy? She’s been. The emotional trauma of the miscarriage has been dealt with. Sure it still lingers, but then again so does the sting of having to have sent our oldest son to boarding school, the first miscarriage, the second, etc. We aren’t silently grieving over this loss, so that’s really not the issue at hand, but does play into matters.

This is what I think...

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