I’m not much of a fan of Donald Trump the Presidential candidate. But as a parent, I’ve taken a lot of what he says to heart. I’ve spent the past eight years parenting my own way, and while things look rosy from the outside, if you dig deeper… the reality is, my kids just aren’t advancing the way that they should be. Things just are great.
They have healthcare, they have toys, they have friends, they have food… but they should have so much more of everything. Perhaps if I employed Donald Trump Parenting years ago, their lives would be more amazing and fabulous than they are. What is Donald Trump Parenting you ask?
It’s simple really; here are the key issues:
Build a fence. I built a fence and made my neighbor pay for it. I was tired of their filthy dogs coming over to our yard and pooping everywhere and trying to get with my dog. I only built a fence on the south side of my lawn though. My northern neighbor still has access to my property. His dog doesn’t crap on my yard yet and he’s a white guy.
Forbid your kids from seeing their friends. Not forever; that would be ridiculous. I’m only putting a temporary ban on sleepovers and playdates. I don’t know what their friends are up to and I have to fully vet them before they are allowed back in. What happens if one of their friends is gay? That would be a disaster.
Use torture. The only way that I am going to get any information out of these kids is to waterboard them. Have you ever asked your kid what they did in school only to be met with a blank stare? With torture tactics that will no longer be the case.
Have your boys call women pigs and pussies. It really cuts down on dating.
Teach the kids how to be a bully. It’s important to know how to belittle people. This only holds true if your kids poll numbers are high.
Run a poll. Ask everyone your kids come into contact with how they are doing in comparison to all the other kids in the neighborhood. If they aren’t doing well, create flyers that you can attach to telephone poles that call the other kids losers. If they are doing well, then they can certainly tell people all they want how great they are and how good their words are.
Don’t make any deals with China or Japan. This means you can’t buy any Pokemon cards off of Ebay. Free trade with China and Japan caused this Pokemon problem.
Don’t vaccinate your kids. Clearly vaccines cause autism and autism is a disaster.
I don’t see how this doesn’t work. It’s going to be amazing. It’s time to make my kids great again.
I will say that the one aspect of Trump Parenting that totally is true, is that you can make it all up as you go along because most of the time you really have no clue what you are doing.