I don’t know why the online vaccination debate pops up all the time. Someone posts an article about the importance getting a vaccination, then the anti-vaxxers come out of the woodwork claiming that it’s all a conspiracy by “Big Pharma” and how they are out to secretly kill us while raking in huge profits. I love conspiracy theorists, because it shows me who the paranoid idiots are. After a couple of weeks and some serious debate (although it’s just more shouting and calling each other names more than anything) the topic disappears and we continue to share with each other pictures of our dog and our kids.
The whole thing is really exhausting. As are debates about guns, abortion, politics and anything else that there seems to be no middle ground with. Nobody ever wins an argument online, but nobody ever loses either because we can all go back to our like minded friends and call everyone else an idiot.
That being said here are seven things I would like to see a vaccination for.
Lice. It seems like once a year we get a letter from the kids school telling us of a lice outbreak. No sooner do we read the message and we start to scratch our heads. There is something about even the thought of these little bugs that makes us itch. I give my dog a flea and tick preventer, why can’t there be a little pill that we swallow that rids us of this stupid annoyance?
Crying. What I wouldn’t give for a day to go by without hearing one of my kids crying. It would be so peaceful to just inject some anti-crying serum in our kids. Sure they would cry as the needle was going in, but no longer would I have to hear about how one of them beat the other in a video game, how one of them ripped up the other’s Pokemon card, or how they don’t want to go to sleep despite their overtired crying fits. A quick injection for a lifetime of peace… what a trade off.
Dog Barking. I thought the kids crying was bad and then we went and bought a dog. She barks to go outside, she barks to get food, she barks to play, she barks when she is tired, and she just stares at me sometimes and barks for no reason. In fact, she’s kind of like a baby; except she has four legs and really sharp teeth.
Butt wiping. My son was three and a half when he was fully potty trained (kind of). It took him another FOUR YEARS for him to finally wipe his own butt. How great would it have been to NOT have to go into the bathroom and hang out with him while he pooped? I love my kid, but having to wipe his butt grew old. One quick shot would be all it takes to not have to here him yell “DADDY!” from atop the potty anymore. Whether he wipes himself clean, well that’s a whole other vaccine.
Missing Socks. Not sure how we go about administering this vaccine, but wouldn’t it be nice if they never disappeared again?
The Need For Snacks. I know that I could just feed my kids at their allotted mealtimes, but they ALWAYS want snacks. My pantry has to be stocked as much as a grocery store. God forbid we run out of Fruit by the Foot or some snack that they last asked for two months ago. You need to have every snack that they have ever eaten or they will begin to cry. One shot and they will only eat three times a day, or at least twice a day and complain about how they don’t like dinner.
Internet Opinions. Kind of like this one, but only the REALLY DUMB opinions about guns, abortion, politics, and anything else where there seems to be no middle ground.
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