I’m not ashamed to admit that a few weeks ago I attended a counseling session with my wife.
The stigma is, if you go to therapy then your marriage must be on the rocks and you’ve got a divorce lawyer on speed dial. In some cases, that may be true.
Not for us. In fact, therapy for us is a chance to make our bond stronger, confront some of the challenges we face and, most of all, and learn to communicate better. Marriage is tough and most couples could use a refresher in these areas.
Some of the issues that my wife and I are working through are it’s tough raising two kids under the age of 3, dealing with chores, making sure everyone is fed, clothed and cared for and still make time for one another. Factor in that we are both working parents and you’ve got two people desperately in need of a psychiatrist. Hell, kids alone can drive you to the brink of madness. Bottom line, we weren’t communicating well. It was like a train that goes slightly off track, it might still be able to move but the train no longer runs smoothly and the longer it goes without repair, the more long-term, structural damage is done.
What I learned in our counseling session is how it alleviated some of the underlying animosity and resentment we shared.
First, it was a safe place to air our grievances. Face it, we all hold on to stuff. It can petty or it can be huge; it can threaten to destroy a family dynamic. No matter what it is, I felt this session was a safe place for each of us to address the concerns we had and weren’t comfortable discussing alone.
Second, I knew the counselor would focus us back to the things that brought us together all those years ago. Deep down I’ve always known the multitude of things I love about my wife. I’m grateful every day for the love we share and the life we’ve created, but sometimes with the constant heartbeat of parenting, I forget that she is my wife and not just the mother of my children.
Third, I hoped the counselor would help us find a way to discover the all-important “us” time. For many guys — including me — that’s code for sex. I know that we each need more than that — time to talk, laugh, cuddle. Time to just be.
We found out need a signal — a time-out sign, for instance — to use whenever a conversation is veering close to an argument. We’ve only used it once so far but it seems like a benign, non-threatening tool. I can’t say that we argue a lot but after 14 years together, we certainly know the buttons to push to slide into an unhappy place.
The counselor then asked us a simple question — “Tell me 5 things you love about each other.” By the second answer I think both of us were crying. This straightforward, poignant question elicited enough emotion to win each of us an Academy Award. I’m proud to say it was easy for us to enumerate responses and this one exercise crystallized and reaffirmed the depth of feeling we have for one another.
We were also challenged to schedule time to spend together each day. Even if it’s 30 minutes, the counselor explained that those minutes will be like a battery charger to our relationship. It’s difficult because I work evenings and our days are filled with activities and our beloved routine. We are focused on making some changes to our schedule to discover the time we need to reconnect.
There were some other tips we discovered but, for me, the biggest epiphany was how much good can come from a mere 60 minutes with a trained professional. It’s like being taught the words to a new language and understanding how to use them. I know that my wife and I will continue with the sessions because, after all, marriage is a lifetime commitment and a lifelong work in progress.
About happiestdaddy
My wife and I went a few years ago. It was our chance to lay things out on the table, learn how to better communicate with each other, and strengthen our marriage. We went 3 times and we still use what we learned today. I’m glad we went and wish you and your wife the best as you go through it.
Thanks! I have to admit that I wasn’t wild about going…I had a few stereotypes to break down. But once we started talking and sharing, the value was obvious.
While my wife and I haven’t gone to a session yet, I can relate with every single word in this post. You accurately describe how kids, work, and life in general can swallow us whole. Then you drop this powerful sentence on us:
“I’m grateful every day for the love we share and the life we’ve created, but sometimes with the constant heartbeat of parenting, I forget that she is my wife and not just the mother of my children.”
Again, I can’t tell you how much I can relate to those words. I’ve done exactly that in the past, rolling my wife up into the controlled chaos of our household and thinking of her as part of the chaos rather than my best friend and wife.
We drive 4+ hours to NJ every Thanksgiving, and this past road trip was something of a therapy session for us as we communicated about all of the stuff that was being left unsaid, the underlying animosity and resentment you speak of. The kids were engrossed in a DVD and we both just put it all on the table. It was phenomenal and the positive effects are still being felt today. Some of the things were so damn simple to solve too, but it was just a matter of communicating.
Powerful article that gives me much to think about. I don’t anticipate this being the last time my wife and I hit one of these communication ruts, and maybe one of these sessions will help us be proactive to the situation instead of reactive.
Thank you.
Brad, your posts and your comments are always meaningful and honest. I appreciate that. We have so much going on in our lives that we all need to hit the reset button every once in a while. I’m proud that I have a partner who is willing to do it with me.
Great post. What I think is most awesome is that counseling wasn’t a last resort to hold things together. That’s awesome for you guys and really speaks volumes.
Thanks Brandon! Sometimes I wonder how close we all are to that “last resort.” My wife and I are each the product of “broken” homes — albeit with parents who loved us deeply and shielded us as best they could from the problems in their marriages. So, my wife and I recognize some of the warning signs and are committed to creating the healthiest marriage we can.
Revealing that therapy is also for healthy people in happy marriages is a brilliant step to removing the stigma that only ‘broken’ people need help. Now that our youngest is a year, my husband and I are also trying to remember each other…I’ve missed him, even though he’s been here the whole time.
That’s my deal totally. I still have that stigma and have a hell of a hard time asking for help. Time for me to get over it I guess.
Helmut…I’m certainly not one to offer advice but I think it’s easier than it seems. I was fearful of walking into a situation where fingers would be pointed and feelings would be hurt. But our counselor was calm, open and gave us the platform to share our thoughts and learn new techniques to help us. If you an find a counselor that you like and trust, it might be very beneficial.
Carisa…those are the words we used in the session. That we “miss” us. It’s morphed from a twosome to a threesome and now a foursome. Each time we have to adjust to a new relationship and less time for each other. It’s a lot of work but well worth it.
Before we were married, a piece of valuable advice was given to us: make an appointment with a counselor once a year; think of it as preventative maintenance. Whether we think we need it or not, that space, that time, that help, can be extremely valuable. And even if you don’t think it is at that moment, you might find yourself going back to something said or learned there in the coming months.
Thanks for sharing.
Great advice. A helpful piece of advice we got — watch your wedding video each year on your anniversary. One tip — have tissues handy.
My wife and I did counseling as a young engaged couple and it was great for giving us communication tools to start our marriage off on the right foot. Now, I think therapy may be a good way just to be in the same room at while awake, because we have both been so busy lately.
I think it is great that you are doing it not to SAVE, but to BUILD your marriage. More should follow your example.
Thanks man. It is a daunting thought — but the older I get, the more I realize these are tools to help us; not a sign of weakness. For a lot of men, I think that’s is a difficult stereotype to overcome. Kudos to you for going even before marriage. That says a lot about your commitment to your wife.
This article blew my mind. Proactive in the name of love. I’m tearing up over here. Every couple, married or not, needs to read this article.
James, what a powerful comment. It is a perfect example of why I blog and why I’m so proud to be a part of the Dads Roundtable team.