New study finds teens have nocturnal gene sequence

Parents of teens and early 20 year olds, a new study (released today) revealed that there is actually a founded medical reason for what we believed was just pure laziness.

Past studies found, much to our dismay, that teens, especially those still in school, needed more sleep than the average person due to hormonal changes and neural overload, causing them to need additional sleep time in order to fully process and store information and maintain proper mental and physical health.

This new study found that teens and young adults, typically between the ages of 16 and 23, actually have a hormone induced gene sequence reaction that causes them to become legitimately nocturnal. This explains why they cannot get up before mid-afternoon, maintain jobs that may involve prolonged (10-15 minutes or more) sunlight exposure, or speak without the use of excessive attitude or sarcasm before 6 PM.

An article posted on eHow about survival traits of nocturnal animals lends additional proof to this study:

Nocturnal animals have unusually sensitive ears that help to protect them from potential predators… …allowing them to easily locate specific sounds.

Like the ones usually made by parents…

 …acute sense of smell. Once they catch the scent of their prey, they can skillfully follow and track it, and feed upon it….

Commonly known as “midnight raids” on the refrigerator…

Animals who thrive in the night sometimes also have a strong tasting capability. Also known as a gustatory (tasting) adaptation, this characteristic works to help some nocturnal animals navigate and hunt for prey.

More specifically, the stash of snacks you thought you were hiding for yourself in that cabinet…

Having the ability to see is extremely important for any animal, especially those who are nocturnal… …Although the image is not as clear… …it still allows nocturnal animals the ability to use their vision skillfully at night.

This allows for stealthy movement through the house in order to sneak out during the night as well as being able to see and cleverly avoid any potential “to do in the morning” lists or “do not forget your job interview in the morning” reminders…

Additional proof, if necessary can be found by reading the full eHow article or watching any of the Twilight Saga.

Also, to note, after these young adults reach full (debatable) maturity, the mutation typically wanes, re-introducing common sense, better decision making, and work ethic.


Seriously, do any of you parents with teens face this same issue? Better yet, since the establishment of much stricter laws involving the use of 2×4 boards as motivational tools, have you found anything that actually works on these things?

(This article is approximately 10-15% true. Please do not take this seriously and for the love of everything holy NEVER let a teen read this, as it will likely end up on Wikipedia and used for school papers that are sure to have you sitting in a parent teacher conference. Thank you.)

eHow article information and image retrieved from the link listed above.


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About Brandon P. Duncan

Brandon is a dad, husband, US Soldier, and co-founder of Dads Round Table.
When not knee-deep in one of those things, he can often be found tinkering with a woodworking project, writing, drawing, or Photoshopping something... or napping... or he's hurt himself again... or... something...

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  1. James Hudyma says:

    Now this is my kind of science!

    • Brandon P. Duncan says:

      Yes, very official… important stuff, you know. I even wore a labcoat when I wrote it.


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