Remember that gym membership you signed up for? Yeah, the place that you pass by each morning and afternoon to and from work? That place you hand over $50 each month and have been to once since you got married?
Well, quit wasting that money! And get your lazy butt up off the couch!!!
Now, there’s a do-it-yourself workout at home that will help you shed pounds, spend time with your kids and is guaranteed to wear you out.
It’s the Modern Dads Workout.
Forget Cross Fit and Mudders. That stuff is for wimps. This is the workout that will test your manhood and get you sexy for the ladies. Or at least your wife.
STEP 1 — CORE
Lie on the floor. Yell for your kids. It is guaranteed that they will run in the room and jump all over you. While they are treating your stomach like a jungle gym, tighten your abs. Hold and release. Maintain for 30 minutes or when you pass out, whichever comes first.
TIP: Don’t worry about the bruising. No pain, no gain.
STEP 2 — SQUATS
Try this 1,000 times a day. Hell, you probably already do it more than that. Each time there’s a toy, crumb or (in our house) an ant crawling on the floor heading to a crumb, squat down and lift the item up. This works even better if you have a baby and a toddler in the same house. There is no end to the amount of crap all over your floor. TIP: Wear shoes. If you step on some of the toys littering your floor you could be in a permanent foot cast. BONUS TIP: Try this while holding a small child. It’s fun for the whole family.
STEP 3 — DEAD LIFT
If you have little kids, this comes in 2 varieties — 40 pound and 20 pound. Whenever your kids are misbehaving or nearing danger, sprint to them and lift them in one fluid motion. Repeat often. It helps if you leave a door open in your house. An open door is like a magnet to a little kid. TIP: Teach your children how to dial 911. The chances are pretty good you’ll throw your back out and be paralyzed on the floor.
STEP 4 — ARM EXTENSIONS
I call this one the “Wife Pleaser.” Grab the vacuum. Go into the living room, kitchen, playroom, bedrooms, bathrooms and basement. Push the thing back and forth until your arms are about to fall off. Your carpets will still be a mess but at least you’ll work up a sweat. Repeat as necessary. In our house that means daily.
STEP 5 — CHEST PRESS
This is a perfect complement to the Core exercise above. While one of your children is bouncing like a kangaroo on/near your genitals, lift your older child above your head over and over. It helps to give him or her a cape. TIP: Make sure their shoes are off for the inevitable kicks in the face.
STEP 6 — NECK
This is one is so easy you can do it sitting down. At the end of a day that would literally kill a triathlete, grab a chair, sit down, slowly bend your neck back so your head is looking directly at the ceiling. Close your eyes and pray to your God above for the strength to not run away.
STEP 7 — CARDIO
All day, everyday. First thing in the morning put on your cross trainers with your pj’s. Get your toddler out of bed. He will run faster than any human can at 6:30 in the morning. Chase him for 30-45 minutes. When you can’t take it anymore, grab the baby. Let them take turns running you ragged. Ignore the way they are laughing at you. Remember, you can always put them in time out when you need a break.
After an exhausting day of the Dad’s Workout, I promise that you will feel beaten, desperate and question your very existence. Congratulations. You’ve just completed step one.
And coming soon, Modern Dads Workout Plus. Become a youth soccer coach. Run. Yell. Get kicked all over your body. Hilarity (and medical bills) ensue.