Budweiser, in a move that should shock everyone familiar with their product’s archetypal can, has decided to rename their flagship Budweiser brand “America.” The restyled can will be used from this summer through the November election. It’s not just the name that has been changed. The iconic can has been redesigned in a move that will please only the most dogged and devout believers in American Exceptionalism.
Where once the can touted beechwood aging and images of lovely galloping Clydesdales came to mind, the folks at A-B now reference the Pledge of Allegiance, the Star Spangled Banner, and America the Beautiful.
And that’s not all. Where we read King of Beers, we now read E Pluribus Unum. Anheuser-Busch has been replaced with Liberty and Justice for All and The World Renowned has been changed to Land of the Free.
But wait, there’s more. Registered now reads Since 1776, although A-B didn’t go into business until 1852, and Trademark has been altered to read Indivisible.
The words ‘shameless, pandering hucksterism’ spring to mind as a little bit of vomit wanders into the back of my mouth. It also brings to mind a tacit appeal to fascism: America – The Official Beer of the New America.
Budweiser, as a beverage, is worthless. That’s a given. It tastes as good as my college apartment smelled after a post-game all-night kegger. That is to say; moldy, rotten, and nauseating. But let’s set that aside.
The claiming of “America” for a product is the perfect symbol for the tenor of this season. The false patriotism that is implied by repainting a can is a lame and spineless excuse for doing the tough work that made this country great in the first place.
We don’t want no beer ’round here that ain’t American. No Mexican beers wanted. No Irish beer need apply. None of that rice-brewed Japanese stuff either. We don’t need none of that hipster too cool by half microbrewed crap, no way, no how.
Hell, let’s just build a big damn wall around this place and the only kind of beer we’re lettin’ in is real AMERICAN BEER! Real Americans drink one thing, and one thing only – AMERICA!
Mr. Anheuser-Busch, tear down this wall.