Top 6 Things I Hate Now That I’m a Parent

Before kids, I barely thought at all about most of the things on this list. But once my kids were born I saw all of these things in a new light. And I despise them.

6). Stickers. You’re probably thinking, “Stickers? But they’re harmless little pieces of excitement for kids young and old?” Wrong. In the hands of my children they are tiny weapons of destruction. Case in point: try unpeeling a batch of mircostickers off of your wood floors or freshly painted walls. The only thing exciting about that is the stream of curse words flowing from your mouth.

5). Glitter. We have boys so thankfully the glitter usage is at a minimum in our house. However, there are legions of preschool and kindergarten teachers who believe that no art work is every truly complete without a fresh heaping of glitter. My favorite is when the kids arrive home and pull the art work out of their bookbag with all the skill of a gorilla and glitter rains down on us, the furniture, the floors, etc with reckless abandon.

4). Noise. I’m a noiseophobe. I sleep with a pillow over my head and an oscillating fan on full blast. I need to block out all noise while I sleep. The white noise app on my smartphone gets lots of use. But mostly I hate noise because it might wake my sleeping sons. Fireworks make cringe, loud music from neighbors late at night makes me dial “9-1” on my phone. The only reason that I hold off on pressing the other “1” is because I really don’t want to be THAT guy. It’s funny because in college I cranked my cd’s as loud as I could. Needless to say, my relationship with noise has changed considerably since I became a father.

3). Spaghetti sauce. Spaghetti sauce + kids clothes + floors + table + upholstery = hours of cleaning fun!

2). Sand. Each day I spend more time than any human should shaking out playground sand from the shoes, socks and feet of my school-age children. We could create our own beach with all the sand accumulated in our yard. A close second is kinetic sand, which as far as I can tell, is sand that somehow manages to clump together for some unknown reason.

1). Play-doh. This always starts out like fun — “Let’s build something with play-doh! We can all be super-creative!” But what we’re left with is an unholy mess that would even make a trained cleaning person throw up their hands in futility. The play-doh colors clump together to make a color that is not even remotely found in nature and the pieces splinter off in each direction, getting stuck to every surface while you need a small chisel to remove them. This is nothing against the Play-doh people. I’m sure in their perfectly controlled world, it is an incredibly useful and pleasant product. But in the hands of my children, it is a recipe for a mess unlike any other.

What things have you come to loathe since you became a parent?

(Photo credit: Claudio Beck via Foter.com / CC BY-NC)

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