Naptime is special. In fact, it’s so special that I decided to share the “fun” that my wife and I endure every day with our 2-year-old spitfire. Naps, to him, are like Kryponite is to Superman — they sap his strength. And our toddler fights with near superhuman strength to avoid them.
1:23 pm: I tell 2 that it’s time to take a nap. He runs and hides under the train table.
1:25 pm: As 2 clutches a table leg, I pull him out from under the table and carry him kicking and screaming to his bedroom. I should’ve worn a protective cup.
1:28 pm: After repeated requests to put on a pull-up, 2 finally gives in when I promise to read him 3 books instead of 2.
1:35 pm: 2 has finally chosen the 3 books he wants me to read.
1:37 pm: Midway through book 1, 2 decides he no longer wants me to read this book. He chooses another one.
1:42 pm: Midway through book 2, 2 decides he no longer wants me to read this book. I pretend that I no longer know how to read.
1:44 pm: 2 says he has to go potty. He pees enough to fill a thimble halfway.
1:48 pm: We resume reading books. I start skipping words. Then sentences. Then entire pages.
1:51 pm: Books are complete. We climb into bed. Cue the stall tactics.
1:52 pm: 2 says he needs his favorite car to sleep with. I retrieve it.
1:56 pm: There is a request for Batman, who is discovered wedged between the bed and guardrail. I break a sweat trying to dislodge him. 2 considers me a superhero for my life-saving actions.
1:59 pm: 2 says he cannot find Bear, his nighttime buddy. I practically unmake the bed searching for it.
2:02 pm: Bear is located. 2 is under the covers. Daddy lays beside him.
2:05 pm: 2 demands, “Rub my back, Daddy!” Daddy had already fallen asleep.
2:07 pm: 2 says he cannot find his favorite car. It’s buried under a pile of stuffed animals. It might have been trying to escape.
2:09 pm: I remind 2 that in order to sleep, he needs to “Close his eyes.” He refuses to even blink his eyes, for fear they will stay shut.
2:13 pm: My left arm is fully asleep from contorting myself to rub 2’s back.
2:17 pm: 2 might be falling asleep.
2:18 pm: Nope. He just burst out into a made up song about crayons, cookies and Lego’s.
2:19 pm: I fall asleep.
2:21 pm: I am awakened by a finger in my eye. It’s unintentional but highly effective at scaring the crap out of me.
2:24 pm: 2 is warned that he needs to “Close his eyes and focus on going to sleep!” He rolls over, hides his eyes from me and starts pretending to be a spider.
2:28 pm: My patience is wearing thin. I order him to go to sleep. He smiles, closes his eyes and makes a raspberry noise at me.
2:32 pm: 2’s breathing becomes heavy. I stop breathing for fear of the slightest noise or motion disturbing him.
2:35 pm: 2 is asleep. I plot my escape from his bed. As I prepare to exit, he shifts position and drapes an arm and leg across my chest. I am stuck.
2:36 pm: I fall asleep.
4:22 pm: I am awakened by a finger in my eye.