Children, By the Numbers

I’m a huge sports fan. Always have been. One of my first journalism jobs was at the Worldwide Leader, ESPN, producing highlights for live studio shows. I was always fascinated by their statistics staff, able to conjure stats like, “Highest Batting Average while Wearing a Pair of White Socks that had Most Recently Been Washed by a Clubhouse Employee with Brown Hair whose Name Ends in Y and was Born West of the Mississippi.” I mean, where do they come up with this stuff?

Using some of my contacts in the sports world, I asked a group of sports statisticians (No, I will not call them Nerds) to create a few stats about my kids ( ages 4 & 2) and the meaningful and mundane elements of our children’s lives.

Here are few:

33 —     Number of seconds, on average, it takes the boys to suck down their initial cup of juice in the morning
5   —    Number of minutes it takes Daddy to find cups for the boys’ juice in the morning
11 —     Months it took the oldest to be fully potty-trained
3   —     Pair of Daddy’s shoes thrown away because of potty training “mishaps”
18 —     Minutes, on average per week, the 2-year-old spends in time out
267 — Number of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches eaten by the boys
0    —     Number of bread crusts eaten by the boys
61 —     Number of fruit snacks eaten by the boys, on average per week. (They eat about 7 bags of 10 fruit snacks each.     However, a few end up on the floor of the car or playground.)
9  —     Number of fruit snacks Daddy eats that he finds on the floor of the car or playground.
312 —     Number of gray hairs Daddy has acquired since 2010, when the oldest was born
4:47 am — Average time the 2-year-old wakes up and tries to slip into Mommy & Daddy’s bed unnoticed
11,204 —   Number of diapers used since 2010, when the oldest was born
847 —     Times the boys have been called “cute” or similar affectionate term by their grandparents & aunts/uncles
594 —     Times the boys have been called “wild animals” by Mommy & Daddy
6 —     Times the oldest has asked an overweight woman if she’s pregnant.
112 —    Apologies Mommy & Daddy have given to overweight women asked by our son if they’re pregnant
9 —     Number of Mater (from Cars) toys in our house
44 —     Number of times, on average per week, Daddy says “I’m tired.”
44 —     Number of times, on average per week, Mommy reminds Daddy that “She’s tired, too.”
3,146 – Number of times the boys have requested to watch videos on the iPad
7 —     Number of times the oldest has interrupted Mommy & Daddy during “alone” time
1 —     Number of toy snakes owned by 4
559 — Number of stories 4 has made up about his toy snake
797 — Number of times 4 has told Mommy & Daddy that the “Snakes can unhook their jaws, like this.”
4 —     Number of library books lost, misplaced or torn apart by the boys
$64.37 — Amount paid to library for lost, misplaced or destroyed library books
9,242 — Number of hugs and kisses given to boys since their births
Infinity — Amount of quality time spent together as a family since boys were born

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The Beginning
About Happiest Daddy

Two boys, one wife and a ton of material. I live for family and I’m one of the most blessed people you will ever meet.

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